TTC

Well, its been a long time since I have posted anything on this blog…to say the least. I guess in general I have become bored of the “same old thing/posts.” The other truth is for a few weeks now God has been putting something on my heart to post, but I’ve been resisting Him. I’ve been resisting vulnerability. I’ve been resisting making something public.  I think my reluctance has stemmed from not wanting people to be awkward or uncomfortable, and maybe because if I don’t tell too many people then I can pretend whats going on isn’t 100% happening.  

But all of that is only poor excuses to do what I want instead of what God is calling me to, and its selfish of me.  So I apologize to all of you for waiting and resisting, and I apologize for being unwilling to be vulnerable in front of you. God tells me that there is power in vulnerability, that in my weakness His strength is made perfect. So I am claiming that right now… I am ok being weak if that means His strength can be made perfect in my life.

So, for a paragraph I’ve been stalling, because I guess I don’t really know how to start. But I will just say it and go from there. For the past 1.5 years Travis and I have been trying to get pregnant. We started in May of 2011 and have thus far, not been successful. For those of you who don’t know, 85% of couples trying to conceive (TTC) will get pregnant in the first 12 months of trying. So we are now in the bottom 15%. And with that, comes tests and charting and doctors and….work. So now we are working to get pregnant. Which is not the fairy tale version you tell your kids about how they were made….  “mommy and daddy loved each other very much, so daddy got a semen analysis….” Just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

So, why is God calling me to write this VERY private stuff on a quite public blog? Well, that is what I struggled with for a long time….and that was the reason I gave God for not doing it. Whats the point of airing all of this information on the blog? What will it do… What will it change? And I think what it comes down to is that for a very long time I have been scared. I have been scared that getting pregnant would be hard. I have been scared that it might require interventions that I am not willing to make. And ultimately I have been scared that we might not be able to. So, if that is the case why would I want to put all of these very scary things out there, just for the whole world (ie the few that are actually reading this) to see my fears become true? And the other night, God hit me with it. This is what it comes down to. Do I believe that He will do mighty things in our life? Do I believe that He has a plan for us and that he will be faithful to that no matter what? Because if so, then I have nothing to fear.

So that is the point of this….today. Telling everyone that we are working, hard, to get pregnant. But that we are not doing it alone. That I am 100% confident that I serve a God who is bigger than my infertility (its me…Travis has been told that he is “extremely fertile...queue ego expansion”). I don’t know His plan. I don’t know his answer. But I know that He has one, and that His glory will be shown through this. And if I really do believe that, that this time in my life will be an example of his glory... Why would I want to hide that? Why would I want to keep those close to me from being able to see the wonderful thing God has in store for us? Why wouldn't I want anyone and everyone to witness what He will do? I want to make HIS glory as public as possible, and this is as public as I can get.

And, ofcourse, the other reason I’m writing today is to solicit your prayers. Pray that we would be blessed with a child, Pray that God would heal my body. Pray that the next time Travis so much as looks at me I will get pregnant J Pray that God would reign over me and the doctors and the tests, but most importantly…please pray that throughout everything God would be glorified.