love

First off, I wanted to say thank you, a HUGE thank you for all of the emails/text messages/ facebook messages etc. I am still trying to respond to all of them, which is an incredibly good problem to have!

So, in my first post I mentioned why I decided to blog about our problems concieving, but I didn't write the whole story. I believe that God is going to do something mighty in our life, and I finally decided to blog about it because I wanted everyone to experience HIS glory. But that is what pushed me over the edge... that truth is what finally overcame my doubts and fears of being vulnerable and uncomfortable. The truth is, that he has been promting my heart to blog about this-- not just to let people know about our infertility, or to make this a forum to show what he is going to do ABOUT our infertility. But also to let everyone know what he is doing THROUGH our infertility. God is using this barren time in my life to teach me things that I would NEVER have been able to understand otherwise. He has redefined himself in my life and he has used this hard, hard time to give me a perspective on his love that has truly overwhelemed me. And why wouldn't I want to share that with ya'll? This is a difficult time in our life, but PRAISE GOD he has not been silent during it. He has not left us to go through this alone, he is using this fruitless time of my body to teach my soul. And while I'm not thankful for the difficulty, I am so thankful for the lessons he is teaching me, and I am thankful that this time is not being wasted.

A few months ago, I was driving to work and crying. I was crying because I didn't understand why we were having to go through this. More specifically, I was crying because it didn't make sense to me that God would plant a desire for kids in my heart, knowing full well that my body would have problems following through. And that seems like a reasonable thing to be upset about. If we couldn't have kids now -- then why make me want them? Why not save that desire for later -- when it could theoretically be possible? Or, if we can NEVER have kids, then why give me the desire to be pregnant, why not just put it on our hearts to adopt? And then I remembered, the pot has no right to demand a reason from the potter for his decisions, and it is even more prideful for me to expect the creator of the universe to be accountable of his actions to me. And so my mind went quiet, and I can still see the intersection when he told me something incredible.

Libby, everyday I hunger and desire for love. I created you out of a desire for relationship and love, but not just you -- I created your entire species for that exact purpose. I desire for love from you and from every other person on the planet. You feel like you know unrequited love, but I know unrequited love. I expereience it everyday on a magnitude that is beyond your understanding, and yet I continue to pursue each human, ferociously. This love for a child that you can't have, multiple that times 8 million and you will still not know the love that I have. I know you don't understand why you are going through this, but understand this: you understand one aspect of my love, better than you did before...because of this.

And it clicked. I've always known the love of God, but now I can empathize, just a little bit, with his unrequited love.  So, for those of you who haven't felt the pull of love for a life, who haven't dreamed of tiny hands to hold, or hearts to listen to, or eyes to loose yourself in. For those of you who don't feel the tug to create a life and then nurture and protect it...Or for those of you who haven't had to wait patiently on the object of your affection. Know this, God's heart tugs for you....all the time. He pursues you even when you don't feel him. And he's waiting for you, right now.

^"Then Jesus told them this parable:  ^'Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?  And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders  and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’" Luke 15:3-6

Travis and I are here now, searching for our one lost sheep. But our father searches for his...he started the second we were born and he will not give up.
Praise him for his love Praise him for his constant pursuit.