love

First off, I wanted to say thank you, a HUGE thank you for all of the emails/text messages/ facebook messages etc. I am still trying to respond to all of them, which is an incredibly good problem to have!

So, in my first post I mentioned why I decided to blog about our problems concieving, but I didn't write the whole story. I believe that God is going to do something mighty in our life, and I finally decided to blog about it because I wanted everyone to experience HIS glory. But that is what pushed me over the edge... that truth is what finally overcame my doubts and fears of being vulnerable and uncomfortable. The truth is, that he has been promting my heart to blog about this-- not just to let people know about our infertility, or to make this a forum to show what he is going to do ABOUT our infertility. But also to let everyone know what he is doing THROUGH our infertility. God is using this barren time in my life to teach me things that I would NEVER have been able to understand otherwise. He has redefined himself in my life and he has used this hard, hard time to give me a perspective on his love that has truly overwhelemed me. And why wouldn't I want to share that with ya'll? This is a difficult time in our life, but PRAISE GOD he has not been silent during it. He has not left us to go through this alone, he is using this fruitless time of my body to teach my soul. And while I'm not thankful for the difficulty, I am so thankful for the lessons he is teaching me, and I am thankful that this time is not being wasted.

A few months ago, I was driving to work and crying. I was crying because I didn't understand why we were having to go through this. More specifically, I was crying because it didn't make sense to me that God would plant a desire for kids in my heart, knowing full well that my body would have problems following through. And that seems like a reasonable thing to be upset about. If we couldn't have kids now -- then why make me want them? Why not save that desire for later -- when it could theoretically be possible? Or, if we can NEVER have kids, then why give me the desire to be pregnant, why not just put it on our hearts to adopt? And then I remembered, the pot has no right to demand a reason from the potter for his decisions, and it is even more prideful for me to expect the creator of the universe to be accountable of his actions to me. And so my mind went quiet, and I can still see the intersection when he told me something incredible.

Libby, everyday I hunger and desire for love. I created you out of a desire for relationship and love, but not just you -- I created your entire species for that exact purpose. I desire for love from you and from every other person on the planet. You feel like you know unrequited love, but I know unrequited love. I expereience it everyday on a magnitude that is beyond your understanding, and yet I continue to pursue each human, ferociously. This love for a child that you can't have, multiple that times 8 million and you will still not know the love that I have. I know you don't understand why you are going through this, but understand this: you understand one aspect of my love, better than you did before...because of this.

And it clicked. I've always known the love of God, but now I can empathize, just a little bit, with his unrequited love.  So, for those of you who haven't felt the pull of love for a life, who haven't dreamed of tiny hands to hold, or hearts to listen to, or eyes to loose yourself in. For those of you who don't feel the tug to create a life and then nurture and protect it...Or for those of you who haven't had to wait patiently on the object of your affection. Know this, God's heart tugs for you....all the time. He pursues you even when you don't feel him. And he's waiting for you, right now.

^"Then Jesus told them this parable:  ^'Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?  And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders  and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’" Luke 15:3-6

Travis and I are here now, searching for our one lost sheep. But our father searches for his...he started the second we were born and he will not give up.
Praise him for his love Praise him for his constant pursuit.

TTC

Well, its been a long time since I have posted anything on this blog…to say the least. I guess in general I have become bored of the “same old thing/posts.” The other truth is for a few weeks now God has been putting something on my heart to post, but I’ve been resisting Him. I’ve been resisting vulnerability. I’ve been resisting making something public.  I think my reluctance has stemmed from not wanting people to be awkward or uncomfortable, and maybe because if I don’t tell too many people then I can pretend whats going on isn’t 100% happening.  

But all of that is only poor excuses to do what I want instead of what God is calling me to, and its selfish of me.  So I apologize to all of you for waiting and resisting, and I apologize for being unwilling to be vulnerable in front of you. God tells me that there is power in vulnerability, that in my weakness His strength is made perfect. So I am claiming that right now… I am ok being weak if that means His strength can be made perfect in my life.

So, for a paragraph I’ve been stalling, because I guess I don’t really know how to start. But I will just say it and go from there. For the past 1.5 years Travis and I have been trying to get pregnant. We started in May of 2011 and have thus far, not been successful. For those of you who don’t know, 85% of couples trying to conceive (TTC) will get pregnant in the first 12 months of trying. So we are now in the bottom 15%. And with that, comes tests and charting and doctors and….work. So now we are working to get pregnant. Which is not the fairy tale version you tell your kids about how they were made….  “mommy and daddy loved each other very much, so daddy got a semen analysis….” Just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

So, why is God calling me to write this VERY private stuff on a quite public blog? Well, that is what I struggled with for a long time….and that was the reason I gave God for not doing it. Whats the point of airing all of this information on the blog? What will it do… What will it change? And I think what it comes down to is that for a very long time I have been scared. I have been scared that getting pregnant would be hard. I have been scared that it might require interventions that I am not willing to make. And ultimately I have been scared that we might not be able to. So, if that is the case why would I want to put all of these very scary things out there, just for the whole world (ie the few that are actually reading this) to see my fears become true? And the other night, God hit me with it. This is what it comes down to. Do I believe that He will do mighty things in our life? Do I believe that He has a plan for us and that he will be faithful to that no matter what? Because if so, then I have nothing to fear.

So that is the point of this….today. Telling everyone that we are working, hard, to get pregnant. But that we are not doing it alone. That I am 100% confident that I serve a God who is bigger than my infertility (its me…Travis has been told that he is “extremely fertile...queue ego expansion”). I don’t know His plan. I don’t know his answer. But I know that He has one, and that His glory will be shown through this. And if I really do believe that, that this time in my life will be an example of his glory... Why would I want to hide that? Why would I want to keep those close to me from being able to see the wonderful thing God has in store for us? Why wouldn't I want anyone and everyone to witness what He will do? I want to make HIS glory as public as possible, and this is as public as I can get.

And, ofcourse, the other reason I’m writing today is to solicit your prayers. Pray that we would be blessed with a child, Pray that God would heal my body. Pray that the next time Travis so much as looks at me I will get pregnant J Pray that God would reign over me and the doctors and the tests, but most importantly…please pray that throughout everything God would be glorified.